In September, my mom started her day program again. When she first started at the program, she was shy and timid, and did not reach out at all.
This was so unlike her previous personality that it really threw me for a loop. She used to be the one prompting me to step forward.
“How was your day?”
“They don’t like me.” my Mom said.
“Why do you think that?”
She usually made a wry face here, and squirmed in her chair. She started to wring her hands.
“Mom, why do you think that?”
“well,” she would hedge. “They don’t talk to me.”
“Do you talk to them? I’m sure if you reached out and introduced yourself…”, I would start.
Turns out, they were all shy, at at the same level, feeling awkward and being new to the group, and making friends is harder when you’re new, and when you feel self-conscious about yourself. Do you remember those days? It’s like kindergarten or being the new kid in class, all.over.again.
…fast forward a bunch of months..as it turns out, my mom has anxiety, and her worries would overcome her; so, that she couldn’t really interact with others, as she was so worried about (a) what other people think of her and (b) what her body might be doing or not doing.
When she became how she is now, she was not used to feeling the range of feelings, and bodily function feelings that she was now feeling. One of her meds made her less strong, one of her meds made her feel tired, one of her meds made her less connected with the world.
Every little ache and pain was magnified, weird tummy movements, odd intermittent pains, and dull pains in every place imaginable. Same as with the pants, every little extra tug against the skin seems magnified, so clothes seem to fit more snugly in different places than before.
From an observer point of view, the important thing is to remember to be compassionate about what the other person is feeling, and to try not to ramp up any anxiety the person is experiencing. Don’t overfocus on the experience that is creating the anxiety, and don’t make it seem like a bigger deal than it is. Just like the monsters under the bed or in the closet, our loved ones don’t need help in making the monsters bigger, or even feeling bad about being with them. Just shifting their attention, so the monsters (and anxiety) seems smaller can help. Take small steps to increase courage in one or two areas. Try doing things you know she’ll love to do – my mom used to really love dancing and music, and when they play games that have music playing, or music interaction, she does pretty ok. It takes her minds off her worries for a little while anyway.